Thursday, January 27, 2005

Quaker Ohs! Cereal is the shittiest cereal on earth

Last week I made the mistake of buying Quaker Ohs! Honey Graham cereal, and I would like to devote today's entry to preventing anyone else from doing the same. It is honestly terrible. Quaker Ohs! is the most awful cereal you can imagine. Don't ever, ever buy it or eat it.

This is the disgusting product in question, Quaker Ohs!:

The bulk of the reason behind my virulent hatred lies in 1) the cheapness of the cereal, and 2) the hideous way in which the synthesized lard behaves.

Inexcusable Cheapness
You know how a ring-shaped grain cereal like Cheerios is delicious because it is hearty, toasty, and somewhat dense?
Quaker Ohs! Honey Graham cereal is none of these. One cereal piece occupies the greatest area in space that those few grains of oat flour and what-not can possibly be extruded to occupy without collapsing. The texture of the ring is similar to a hardened, extruded cornstarch packaging pellet coated with corn syrup.

The "good stuff inside" each ring is factory floor sweepings. There can be no question on this matter.

The Unbearable Lardiness of Being
As I neared the middle of my first bowl of Quaker Ohs! Honey Graham cereal, I realized a paste was forming on the roof of my mouth. Uneasy, I scraped the roof of my mouth with a finger and observed the whiteish substance. Rubbing it between my thumb and forefinger, I discovered it was fat. Some kind of scienced-up industrial oil, probably; it felt exactly like Crisco, if a little grainier.

That was my last bowl of
Quaker Ohs! Honey Graham cereal.

It is awful.

I cannot emphasize my contempt for this cereal enough.

Even the cleansing purge of flame is not enough to obliterate this crime against cereal consumers from the earth

I tried to lure a neighborhood cat over to poop on the box for a picture, but he wouldn't come near it.

This is where you belong,
Quaker Ohs! Honey Graham cereal: at the bottom of a garbage can.
I genuinely hope you rot in hell.

I invite everyone to heap their scathing contempt on this inedible blunder.


At 11:07 PM, K

Oh Julie, how I love you and your homicidal tendencies.

At 4:25 AM, Anonymous

that'll learn 'em!

~Buck Palmieri

At 10:35 AM, Anonymous

What were you good for, Quaker Ohs!, huh? NOTHING

::kicks box::


At 5:37 PM, Julie

A bit of correspondence in this matter:

-----Original Message-----
From: Jon Sung

Did the Quaker Ohs! cereal burn particularly well given its scienced-up lard content? I can see in the picture that the box itself is aflame, but what of the cereal? Did it instantly transform itself into that gray ashy material with no corresponding fanfare of light and energy?

In this way, it may have failed YET AGAIN.

I'm just sayin'.


From: Julie Keehner

Man, I unthinkingly took the bag and cereal out & discarded them first, knowing that I wouldn't enjoy smelling the plastic liner burning.

Now I wish I had those cereal pieces back, so I could degrade them even further.

However, my lament is not strong enough to pry another $1.99 out of my wallet and deposit it in that Quaker pervert's fat bank account.



* fireballs *

* fireballs *

* fireballs *

~ Julie

At 8:13 PM, Aristotle


Good job! One down, so many more to go.

At 11:58 PM, Anonymous

When you described the amount of space versus the amount of matter given to each cereal ring, my thoughts immediately turned to "Sugar Smacks". I was going to make a comment about how Sugar Smacks is the cereal so bad for you that it doesn't even pretend to have any nutritional value, but then I GIS'd it up and found this:

Apparently that is all the motivation I need to make me want to go buy a box.


At 4:39 PM, Anonymous

It's strange that Quaker would make a cereal tastes bad when it is fully capable of making delicious cereal like Toasted Oatmeal Squares.

At 5:36 PM, stef

I ate a doughnut iced in fetid vegetable shortening once and it coated the roof of my mouth in the same manner. Thank god I have learned the difference between shortening and butter; the money I paid for my culinary education was worth it for that alone.

At 9:57 AM, Anonymous

"Mutiple Sharp Objects in Box of Evil" will now adorn my cubicle! The day is saved! YAY!


At 10:08 AM, Julie


Have a big one.

At 7:16 AM, Anonymous

Dang.. this totally just unearthed a very traumatic and deeply repressed period from my childhood wherein my mom would only buy this stuff for breakfast because she actually enjoyed it. It is very probably worse than eating cat poop, unless you are crazy like my mom.

At 3:18 PM, Julie

That is a very sad story.

I know that for my part, I confused Quaker Oh's! cereal with a similar cereal, Honey Bunches of Oats, which — if I am not mistaken, it has been awhile since I had them — also ring-shaped pieces with weird crap in the hole. I think I remember


Huh, Honey Bunches of Oats is not a ring cereal at all, with or without crap in the middle - it is a flake cereal.

Wow, it really must have been Oh's that I had long long ago and retained a favorable impression of. I hoped I had confused it with something else.

Oh, well. I guess my tastes have changed, at least as far as rancid shortening goes.

At 7:48 PM, Anonymous

Jake thinks that it's possible that you are thinking of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios.

At 9:27 AM, Anonymous

Coincidentally, Honey Bunches of Oats was the cereal that eventually weaned my mother off of Ohs! and spared the rest of the family from fulfilling the suicide pact we had written up.


At 1:09 PM, Julie

From Schabe:
"It adorns the upper cabinet above the Pantone colors for our station logos and my font cheat sheet. It will serve as a reminder to products (as in, products of my computer) as to what happens when they fail."

I would like to thank everyone for their abstention from 'cereal killer' puns; your good taste and self-governance is appreciated.

At 1:13 PM, Julie

...I would also like to announce that I am the 3rd Google result for "Quaker Ohs cereal".

At 5:17 PM, Aristotle

Third? Try first!

Also, it is not for discipline that the “cereal killer” did not happen but purely for a lack of occurrence. Dang!

At 7:00 PM, Benny

Mmmm... I just finished off two bowls of Oh's! for snack, and I see I'm almost out so it's time to run to the store for another box!

- single handedly keeping Oh's in production :D

At 11:11 AM, Anonymous

I was searching confirmation of a crossword puzzle answer, because I had never heard of Quaker Ohs. Now I know why. Thanks for sparing me from sampling this offensive cereal! You are a true hero (albeit one with much time on her hands). By the way, yours WAS the first on the list from Google after typing in Quaker Ohs

At 12:40 PM, -s

I ate some this morning and I'm still spitting out blood. Ugh.

At 6:39 PM, Julie

Nothing pleases me more than all of this evidence that I am bringing Quaker to its very knees.

3. $$$

At 6:24 AM, Anonymous

I searched for Quaker Oh's, and you were #3.

I do not share your hatred for Oh's. I was overjoyed when my mother sent me 2 boxes of them. I haven't had them in a very long time, and they are as GOOD (yes, good) as I remember.

At 2:32 PM, Anonymous

I love quaker ohs, and you made me sad and depressed...

At 1:03 PM, Anonymous

you suck. your so mature... do you even have a life? anything better to do but take pictures of really GOOD cereal.
p.sp oh's are the best

At 12:25 PM, Julie

I can't help but notice the prevalence of creeping, knock-kneed anonymity amongst Oh!sophiles.

At 2:31 PM, Anonymous

I love Oh!s.

At 10:32 AM, Anon626

Quaker Oh's is my Favorite cereal.

At 8:17 AM, Anonymous

New Title....
Quaker Ohs! Cereal is the Best cereal on earth
I wont waste my time taking retarded pictures of ceral boxes or anything. Ill just say that Ohs are actually awsome.

At 12:37 PM, Anonymous

Oh how I LOVE OHs. I buy them over the internet...I buy them in stores...I buy them in bulk!!! If you don't like them you are crazy. I want to go out and buy some right now. Quaker rules!!! If you are so high and mighty then you would not even be eating cereal anyway. Get a clue you have cereal envy. Eat a banana if you want to be healthy. Or better yet eat a piece of card board because you obviously have no taste! Everyone loves OHS!
How sweet it is!!!

At 11:52 AM, Anonymous

Ohs are the best- get with the program!!

At 1:30 PM, Anonymous

I like Oh's but I totally burned myself out on them and can't eat them anymore. The though of them now just makes me go "ugh". I loved you rant on them, funny!

I eat Peanut Butter Toast Crunch now....awesome!

dave smith

At 3:00 PM, Anonymous

Ohs are beyond delicious...they're so incredibly good it's just unbelieveable!!! This post is deceiving. I advise everyone to try Ohs for themselves and make their own judgement.

At 2:22 PM, Anonymous

I was looking all over the net for the name of the cereal I used to love and came across your rant. Life is good again because the cereal is Quaker Honey Graham O's. They are so much better than Cheerios! They stay afloat and crispy 'til the end, 'til the very last crunchy bite. Thanks for helping me out of my memory block. O's are on my grocery list.
PS I did enjoy your little drama though.
Jodie B

At 2:52 PM, Julie

This recent spit of fake comments from the Ohs!bot has made me anxious to remind everyone that Quaker Ohs! are toxic.

At 4:05 PM, Anonymous

I LOVE OH'S!! YUMMY i think that they are very tasty. the sweet and crunchy contrast very well. so u dont have to eat them it leaves more for me. Thanks :)


At 6:13 PM, Anonymous

It seems that this site has become a microcsm for american government. Interesting.


P.S. A vote against Quaker Oh's is as good as a vote for Osama bin laden himself.

At 4:43 PM, Anonymous

you have way too much time on your hands if you are analyzing a cereal and taking the time to put knives in the box and take pictures... get a job.

p.s. Oh's are quite tasty and they are my favorite cereal.

At 2:40 PM, Anonymous

oh's are delicious... just look at the deliousness

At 12:01 AM, Anonymous

oh's are gfg, stfu faggot.

At 9:10 PM, Samantha

YES!! OHs are the best cereal EVER! I hadent seen them forever since I was a kid then my roomate and I (who also remembered and loved OHs from his childhood) came across some at Food4Less when we moved out to cali but Food4Less has discontinued them too now (needless to say we no longer shop there!) Were starting to go throuh withdrawls and looked them up online for fear they stopped making them...and found this. So, the search continues. Where do you fellow Ohs supporters get them?


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