Thursday, March 06, 2008


How long do we, as a nation, really need to pick a President? Wouldn't it be awesome if all of this election crap was squeezed into, say, a concentrated three-month period before November, as opposed to however the fuck long this primary process alone has taken? Hold my hand for a second and imagine this beautiful alternate America with me:

- It's illegal to campaign until August of an election year. No posters, no stickers, no commercials, no bullshit press releases about "Mayor Asswipe is considering possibly running for election this year, maybe."

- Once August starts, it's campaign season, but you need to sack up and declare your candidacy right at the beginning. Either you're in or you're out.

- Nobody's allowed to go anywhere. No stump speeches, no photo ops, no press junkets, no "Iowa is the most important state in the hrglbhrlgh superdelegates argblhrglhl." You win on the strength of your ideas, or you don't.

- All major TV networks are required to devote one hour of primetime TV every weeknight to "Presidential Candidates and Their Ideas." Every candidate gets a rotating 5-minute slot to explain what their deal is. As candidates drop out due to their ideas being horrible (this gets voted on periodically in a series of public referenda), the timeslots expand, and each candidate gets more air time as we get closer to November.
-- Every weekend for three hours, there's an "I Call Bullshit" TV show where one candidate has to stand on a podium and answer questions from the other candidates for 20 minutes. This rotates between candidates until they've all had a chance to call bullshit on each other. Realtime live studio audience polling will display a red light/green light system above the "hot seat" candidate's head indicating whether or not their answer was a real, actual answer, or just some bullshit. Similar polling is also available for rating each questioner's questions. Later, as November nears, "I Call Bullshit" moves to questions from Americans submitted and voted on by Slashdot-style numeric rating.

- I'm not even going to get into this electoral college thing other than saying we should probably rethink that action.