NEW SOLUTIONS TO OLD PROBLEMS

This morning on the bus I had this happen again, except I didn't have my Emergency Bus Notepad on me. Which is a shame, because I really had some good advice for the girl sitting next to me, who chose to initiate a phone conversation that lasted the entire duration of the bus ride about her mom and the issues her mom has.* I contemplated briefly simply telling her my ideas the next time I see her, but that might get really awkward. To say the least.** This is what happens when you want to convey two pieces of information simultaneously that are at cross-purposes:

- I have some useful advice for you on your mom situation
- Did you really have to have that conversation on the bus, next to me, where I had no choice but to hear it?

A new and innovative deterrence solution has been suggested:

The next time this happens, I pull my own phone out and have a conversation of my own, at slightly higher-than-normal volume, about something intensely personal, but also completely ridiculous. "Yeah. Yeah, the doctor says the worms are all in my left kidney. I don't know either, man, but shit, that's why evolution gave us two, right? Yeah. Naw, he said their reproduction cycle is basically diurnal, so I'm just going to gain that weight right back, and -- yeah. Yeah, weird, huh?" At significant points in the "conversation," I look her way and make deliberate eye contact.

It's funnier, but I don't know. Too subtle? Also, there's a nonzero risk of people actually thinking I have worms in my kidneys. I'm'a think about it some more. I really should've had my Emergency Bus Notepad on me.

* Her mom's an asshole, basically.
** "You're gonna get slapped" was what my friend Jess had to say about it.