THE FUTURE OF ALL COMPETITION

I have just invented some extreme sports that I need to tell you about. One of them is old, but the other two? Brand new. Okay, here goes. Are you ready? You may not be ready.

TOO LATE

Shark Boxing (1 Player)

Player wears boxing gloves and stands in a large above-ground pool filled with about two feet of water containing a tiger, mako, or great white shark. The player basically has to knock the shark out, or something terrible will occur.

CatBattle: Tournament of Champions (1 Player)

Player wears standard boxing shorts and holds an open can of tuna in dominant hand, inside a ten-foot-tall clear acrylic cylinder roughly eight feet in diameter. Five dozen hungry cats are released through the top of the cylinder, and the timer is started. Player must use whatever means necessary to keep cats from getting to tuna without switching hands or spilling any. Game is up when five minutes have elapsed, all cats have been knocked unconscious, or player has been completely exsanguinated.

Extreme Karate (2 Players)

Extreme Karate is regulated and scored just like regular karate matches, except both competitors are on fire.

I AM THE FUTURE OF SPORT