Wednesday, April 29, 2009


I need to let whatever corner of the internet this is know that I have actually seen the new Star Trek movie in its entirety thanks to an advance screening and the generosity of the universe. I realize you may have read a bunch of hype, and I don't want to manipulate your expectations unduly, but I need you to entertain the possibility that this hype is for real. Instead of walking out of the theatre and saying "Well, at least that didn't suck," you might instead not be able to shut up about how great it was. Just keep that option open.

Oh, and I updated the Dogblog and almost forgot to tell you. I don't know if you need me to tell you when that happens anymore.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Here's something stupid that just occurred to me on the way back from the water cooler:

Obviously marijuana is a plant that came to us from nature. Don't most plants, or at least parts of plants, get eaten by animals at some point in their lifecycle? Does this happen to weed? Does it get animals wicked hiiiiigh, maaaaan, or does it just not affect them?* Do you need to be sentient in the first place in order for that to happen, or what?

Additionally, did you see how I did not make the title of this post include the number four hundred and twenty. That was deliberate.

* Has anybody else ever heard that thing about owls not being affected by cyanide? Does that not seem like madness to you?

Friday, April 24, 2009


I need to get this down before it vanishes: I had a dream last night that while battling robots and agents of some evil human organization, I invented a disintegrator cannon. It worked fine on the robots, but while being pursued by the agents, I fired it at a ziploc bag filled with water, and it only made the bag puff out temporarily before returning to its normal shape. Sure enough, when I shot the humans, it had the same (weird-looking) effect, distorting them grotesquely for about half a second but not doing any real damage. I guess it didn't work very well on anything that was essentially a sack of fluid? Future weapon designers, take note.

Monday, April 20, 2009


Things Batman probably doesn't do in public while wearing the suit:

1. The Robot

2. Drive-thru at McDonald's

3. Drop down into an alley behind brawling gangsters, immediately brandish batarangs, and shout "WHAT'S UP NOOOOW?!"

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I can't believe I'm making two blog posts within an hour of each other, but the universe keeps generating idiots. Republican idiots, but when was that ever a surprise.

1. You bet your ass that when I mentally picture one of those extremist militia assholes, he's a white dude with a beard and some stupid ideas who either spent time in the military or was kept from joining it (probably because of aforementioned stupid ideas).

2. Just because the report says some vets might be a risk doesn't mean it says all vets everywhere are definitely going to be terrorists.

It sounds like this report's got some good points in it. Put your big-boy pants on and deal with this.


Many of us agree that it would be kind of cool to have satellites above the Earth with lasers on them. However, many others should be happy that those satellites do not currently exist. Because if they did, I would do everything in my power to seize control of them for just this one day and burn from the face of the planet the attendees of these retarded-ass tea parties. Fuck these people. Where were you assholes when your money was being used during the reign of Antipresident Bush for things that actually did damage to the country?

That the universe should expend even one mote of its grace and bounty on these fools is all the proof anyone should need that the throne of the lord sits empty. (Smuckles, 3/09)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Somebody put this in front of me and now it's in front of you, too. You're welcome. I think.

Monday, April 13, 2009


This is not me trying to make like I'm some saddo who Knows Things About The Military or tries to get into Green Beret school or something, but: when I heard that the former captain hostage was being held by three dudes in a lifeboat, my first thought was "That seems kind of exposed. I wonder why they don't just get three snipers and take them all out at once." I actually thought this to myself.

I wonder what it must've been like to be that guy on the boat. There are three guys around you who hate you. You tried to get away, and they fucking recaptured your ass. One of them is jabbing an AK into your back. They're probably going to kill you soon. Then, they all drop dead simultaneously. If I were that guy, there would probably be a brief moment where I would entertain the fleeting notion that my hatred of my captors had somehow translated into the split-second activation of telekinetic death powers. But only for a moment.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009


Well, I've got a cold. This one seems to be intent on turning my head into a factory for the production of clear, runny snot.* One thing I have to tell you people about is this neti pot thing: it doesn't work. Or rather, it works, but only for about as long as it takes my sinuses to produce more snot, which is measured in seconds. (If you don't know what a neti pot is, Google exists.) If I weren't being colonized by microbes, it might make a decent alternative to occasional noseblowing, but it takes so much time that it probably wouldn't be worth it then, either.

On the unrelated up side, I made some kick ass soup today. In the interests of preserving fluid volume, I'm storing the potatoes and noodles in a separate container and combining them with the actual soup when it's time to eat. I think this is the right thing to do.

* I am the sexiest man alive right now

Thursday, April 02, 2009


If for some reason you want to, you can find me on Twitter here. I primarily use Twitter as a broadcast medium for my stupid thoughts and to keep up with what my friends (or weird famous people) are up to, so your chances of me following you back aren't great. You've been warned.

If you don't know what Twitter is, don't worry about it.