HERE'S ANOTHER OBSCENITY-FILLED OPINION

It's been clear for some time that the Californian system of "everybody votes on these propositions" are putting a vast number of easily-led morons within striking distance of legislating shit they should never be able to get their grubby god damned hands on in a million fucking years. It's not even just Prop 8, which was a crime against reason; did you see the ballot propositions on deck last week? Who the fuck are we to be voting on moving the state's money around like that? Since when was it my fucking job? I'm sorry if I only want qualified accounting and economic experts deciding that shit for me.

My Prop 8 thought basically boils down to: how angry would religious people be if a bunch of scientists and atheists got to have a binding say on what belongs in the Bible every few years? Would they be OK with it? I imagine not. I've said it before, but I wish the options for Prop 8 on the ballot had been:

[ ] Yes
[ ] Fuck that, and fuck you

I don't give a shit about your religion. Practice it all you want, I don't care! Just keep it the flying fuck out of my government. This should not be hard to do.

THIS IS SOMETHING WE ALL ALREADY KNOW, ISN'T IT

One of my housemates was watching Valkyrie in the living room for some reason a few nights ago. I didn't linger; the last thing we need is a movie that simultaneously makes Nazis and Tom Cruise cool. But something I noticed: almost nobody in that movie was doing a German accent. That not only strikes me as potentially confusing,* it also seemed downright god damned lazy.

Think about it: you are Tom Cruise. You are a fucking actor. It is your job to pretend to be people in front of cameras, for which you are paid more money than some of us will ever see in our lifetimes. Would it completely kill you to try to hire someone to teach you a German accent? How much would that cost, honestly? Could you not pay it? Or is it that you thought you couldn't pull it off? In which case fuck you. There are tons of British actors who do flawless American accents. Seriously: acting is your fucking job. Do your job!

No wonder people hate Tom Cruise. I mean, Brad Pitt learns accents, for fucksake. Although now that I think about it: British people, did he pull off that indecipherable pikey thing in Snatch OK, or was it some bullshit? Now I have to know.

* Maybe? Since Britain and Germany were, you know, fighting each other during WWII, doesn't it seem possible the audience might take Brits in German uniforms as agents of the crown or something? As I said, I didn't linger. I could have missed all the scenes with actual Germans, for all I know.

THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW

Can we put together a group somewhere that will enforce a statute of limitations on grabbing great names for things? Someone took "thrillho" as a Twitter account name and has only updated once, a shamefully long time ago. Odds seem even on whether the user even knew it was a genius Simpsons reference or was simply a promiscuous human who thought their life was interesting.

MAYBE IT'S JUST ME

This scene just kind of popped into my head a minute ago. I don't know what it says about me that I want to see this happen somewhere.

INT - A CLASSY WINERY'S TASTING ROOM

It's a classy winery, probably somewhere in Napa or Sonoma. There are some GUYS hanging around the bar, sipping on glasses of wine and making trenchant observations.

GUY 1: (takes a sip) This one has more body than the last, but it's a little fruitier than I'd expect for a merlot.

GUY 2: (takes a sip) I detect a hint of rosemary behind the woodiness of this cabernet. I do have to say I like the ... there's a spiciness to it that I didn't expect.

GUY 3: (takes a sip) This ... oh my god. (clutches forehead) Oh dear god in heaven above.

GUY 3 slams his glass down. Wine sloshes. GUY 3 begins to paw at his own face, his hands sliding over his cheeks, eyes wide.

GUY 3: The taste ... so many layers! A symphony of sensation, too many to catalog!

GUY 3's voice rises to a shriek as he clutches his head, hair sticking out wildly from his bunched fists.

GUY 3: It comes in waves! Each more intense than the last! Flavors -- complexifying! Building on each other in fractal patterns too fast for the mind to perceive or comprehend!!

GUY 3 falls to the floor and curls into a fetal position, his body wracked with shudders and convulsions.

GUY 3: MY MIND -- OVERWHELMED!! ALL IS CONSUMED WITHIN THE FIRE OF WHITE-HOT SENSATION!! THE WINE IS ME AND I AM THE WINE!! TIME AND SPACE CONDENSED INTO A FOUR-DIMENSIONAL LIQUID THAT CANNOT BE DEFINED OR CONTAINED BY HUMAN UNDERSTANDING!! THE WINE IS EVERYWHERE -- THE WINE IS EVERYTHING!! THERE IS NO TURNING BACK -- THERE IS NO UNIVERSE TO TURN BACK TO!!

GUY 3 screams in what could be interpreted as ultimate pleasure or utterly bottomless horror. The other GUYS can only stare, dumbstruck.

After a beat, GUY 3 composes himself and stands back up at the bar.

GUY 3: It's all right, I guess. You guys wanna try it?

SOMEONE RUN WITH THIS

Here's an idea:

The San Francisco public library's central branch should stay open later, like at least as late as Green Apple. However, I realize that this places it at serious risk of becoming even more of a hobo museum than it is now. Solution: charge everyone a $20 deposit when they come in after 8pm. They'll get their money back when they leave for the night. Or (this was suggested by a coworker) their $20 gets them up to three drink tickets. That's right. There'll be a bar somewhere in the library. I'll work out the logistics of it later, but that's it in a nutshell. Somebody get this going. Literacy is important.

CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE

SIT DOWN FOR JUST A SECOND, OKAY:

- "For all intensive purposes" is a nonsense collection of words. What you are actually trying to say is "for all intents and purposes." Your error is understandable if you've never seen this phrase in print, but just look at it. Doesn't it look fucked up? What the fuck is an "intensive purpose"?

- "Here, here" is something you should say if you've fallen overboard an oceangoing vessel or are pointing out an explosive device. When you want to call attention or provide emphatic support to something someone else has said, you say "Hear, hear!" As in "Fuck yeah! Hear that? That was right on!"

- "Should of" doesn't make any fucking sense either. The correct thing to say is "should have." This is another one of those things that probably sounds right to your ear, but it should be a no-fucking-brainer the instant you see it in writing. "I should of asked her out." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? "Of" doesn't work that way. When did "of" ever work that way.

Completely and utterly unrelatedly, I'm taking a moment to wish this lady a happy birthday.

OH, BY THE WAY

I don't know if I've mentioned it here: San Francisco's inaugural match of Ultimate Team Cardboard Fortress Battle is being played on Saturday at 10am up here in the city.

If I know you, you've probably already been informed.

If I forgot you, mea culpa; email me and I'll let you know the details.

If I don't know you, but you want in, there's contact info at one of the spots in my "Links" column. Hit me up and let me know you're not an ax murderer, and the details can be yours, too.

THIS IS WHAT IT'S COME TO

I really hope that MTV is taking into account the bullshit factor when they tally up the preorders for The State DVD collection. By which I mean all the people who have seen this and refuse to take any action until they can physically walk into a store and hold this box set in their actual hands. I'll tell you right now that I'm one of them; we've been told about this enough times over the years that my skepticism glands are at full production. I'm not preordering shit. I'm going to buy it when it's actually available and I can see it on the shelf with my own eyes. Then, when I'm at home with a disc spinning in the player and watching The Bearded Men of Space Station 11 on my own TV, I'll believe that it's happening.

THIS IS JUST TO SAY

I have made
a few
new postcards

They are at
the end
of the set

Forgive me
I don't know if
I need to tell you
These things
Or not