HORRIBLE PRODUCT AND/OR BUSINESS IDEAS

1. "Johnny Haterseed's Racist Apple Orchard." Every fall, get ready to pick all you can eat from groves of Cortland, Braeburn, and Blacks Aren't People. Fresh-pressed cider comes in two varieties: Natural and The Jews Control All The Money. Parking is $5/day.

2. "THE SOCKIVERSE Discount Sock Emporium." The sock-manufacturing process often results in slightly-irregular socks that are shipped to this one-of-a-kind location for sale at extreme discounts. Socks don't come in pairs and are not guaranteed past six hours post-purchase.

3. "Wine for Cats." Self-explanatory.

4. "iTupperSquash." Call the iTupperSquash Van and it'll arrive at your door within the hour to take all of your mismatched Tupperware and lids and squash them into a featureless, semitranslucent cube about six inches across. Use it as a paperweight maybe? We didn't think this business model through very carefully.

NOT QUITE ENTERTAINMENT

Here's a thing: Go over to the Yahoo TV Suggestions Board and get a load of how many people completely hate the new, near-useless TV listings. (hint: basically all of them) I wonder if they'll actually listen to their users and reinstate the old, static HTML version of their listings, or be content to let everyone migrate to MSN instead? Someone on that suggestion board mentioned MSN as an alternative, and now that's where I go, too; at least it doesn't look like Ajax threw up all over my browser.

THE RAINY SEASON HAS BEGUN

It's only about two months late, more or less. I wonder if this means spring will be correspondingly late? I god damn hope not. I have battles to organize. Or at least one.

CARTOON MOMENT

Trying to open a packet of Superman-themed fruit snacks, I instead exploded it somehow in my hands, and all of them went flying everywhere. I gathered them up pretty quickly, but it is now clear to me that I possess strength beyond that of the rest of you humans.

REMINDER

If you're having what seems like a slow or unsatisfying day, do a Google Image Search for "quokka."

Oh hell, here.

You're welcome.

SADLY NOT IMAGINARY

Just a few minutes ago while in the bathroom completing a post-digestive transaction, I heard the unmistakable sound that WinXP makes when you connect a USB device to a computer. What.

- It wasn't coming from the bathroom I was in (there was nobody else in there)
- It sure as hell didn't come from me

:. It must have come from the women's bathroom, which shares a wall with the men's (you can hear it when someone flushes).

That doesn't make it any less wrong. This takes the whole "people who check their Blackberry while on the toilet" thing to a new (bad) level.

THANK YOU, WORLD

To everyone who's wished me a happy birthday thus far, I thank you! I finally got a Nintendo Wii and Twilight Princess. It turns out that giving Link the in-game name of "Batman" is almost unspeakably excellent, apart from the gameplay (which is also almost unspeakably excellent).

MAIN SCREEN TURN ON

I was able to fix my phone; I had the genius notion of taking the battery out and putting it back in, which somehow made the phone capable of performing its function. I am a mechanical genius.

In other news, Yahoo changed the way they show TV listings to be as completely stupid as possible, which has made what was formerly a very simple task into an arduous slog. Thanks, guys. Thanks.

PHONE PROBLEMS?

Did something happen to Verizon? Is it possible for cellphone systems to become infected by a virus or something? None of the calls I'm trying to make are going through, and I can't seem to send text messages either. Maybe it's just my phone that's being weird? What's wrong with you, phone?

edit: I got the brainwave to try calling my cellphone from my desk phone here at work; it rang four times and then voicemail picked up. But I had the phone in my hand, and it never actually rang. It appeared completely oblivious. What the hell.