HERE ARE SOME THINGS I'M SAYING

You know, I'm just not a guy who needs a Google Wave invite right now. I'm pretty sure it's not going to be awesome for me unless everybody I know is also using it, and right now? That's not happening. Because I keep seeing Twitter updates from people I know that are all

"Where's my invite?"
"Who's got an invite?"
"Do you have an invite?"
"Where's my elephant?"

I'm content to wait until they've all got it, and then I'll start asking around. I'm confident it's going to be amazing.

In unrelated news, I made an update to the rules for Ultimate Team Cardboard Fortress Battle. People are always asking me when the next game is. You know what, dudes? Here's the thing:

1. You have to give people at least two weeks' lead time to gather boxes. Because you need to have boxes if you're gonna play.
2. Once a certain time of year starts, you cannot reliably predict if the weather's going to be good two weeks out. You cannot play this game in the rain.
3. You need to be reasonably certain that a whole shitload of people you know will be free that day. Think about the people you know. Think about the percentage of those people who love fun and aren't too concerned about looking sort of silly in public, but also have few demands on their time. Then balance this against the ratio of sure bets:flakes in your typical pool of friends. Ask yourself: how easy is this to plan.

The funny thing is that once somebody comes to just one game, they get it. They're onboard for all future games. But you have to get them to show up. That's not always the easiest thing to do.

I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON

It's been a little quiet around here lately because there hasn't been much for me to blog about, honestly. I'm attending a "Dead Rock Stars" costume-themed party this weekend, and I'm pleased to report that my costume cost me about twenty bucks. It consists of:

- A blond wig
- A flannel shirt
- A toy shotgun

The wig was by far the most expensive part. I'm hoping there'll be more than one Kurt, and we can form a LEAGUE OF COBAINS for no real reason.

In other totally unrelated news, I updated the Dogblog for the month. I'm actually running through my backlog now, which means updates may become somehow even less frequent. Possibly.

NOW THERE REALLY IS NO EXCUSE

Now that fall has officially begun and Halloween has not yet happened, it really, truly is candy corn season. You don't want to know how much of this I've been thinking of stockpiling. Or maybe you do. If only I could find real apple cider in this city that didn't cost a thousand dollars at Whole Foods.*

* I'm only guessing that Whole Foods would stock true apple cider, but I will stand solidly by my price estimate

IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME STILL

You thought you could escape Friday without seeing some more of those made-up name pairs, did you? Did you?

- Chung & Myree: That sound you hear is me steering this ship away from the "obvious joke about Asian accents and the pronunciation of Ls and Rs" straits.

- Pinette & Tobeck: I see a couple; one's a chef, the other's a hunter. They make a lot of venison pot pies. They're amazing.

- Whitehair & Corradino: I saw a pair of private detectives who were also warlocks in a past update, didn't I? These two are in the same line of work, but they're way more low-key about their magic use. Except that Whitehair's long, flowing locks kind of give it away.

- Vercher & Kottraba: German exterminators who build their own specialized tools for their trade.

- Greenidge & Overbey: A British university professor and a sports coach who share an apartment! It's a sitcom!

AUDIOBRAINSTORM

Given that just about any song you can think of is findable on YouTube in about .8 seconds, is there anybody out there building a kiosk that can be installed in bars that's essentially a YouTube-driven jukebox? Of course, the instant I typed this, a full-color vision of the future popped into my mind wherein people are hammered at a bar and suddenly that cake mashup comes on, followed by Colin's bear animation in a loop. Eighty-seven times.

A QUICK IDEA BEFORE I LOSE IT

It's basic epidemiological sense that conventions are a great way to spread diseases -- PAX being just the latest example in a long line. Gabe is right to suggest some sort of greeting that doesn't involve physical contact.

Why not the Klingon salute? We're nerds anyway, we might as well. I'm just talkin' here.

DOING THE FRIDAY DANCE ONCE MORE

Now that it's Friday again, I want you to know that I will never stop doing these name pairs as long as the generator is running.

- Nani & Mele: I don't know what it says about me that I seem to see at least one non-human element in every set of these. This week, it's a pair of living porcelain beings. They're not dolls -- more like near-featureless mannequins that move and bend like CGI effects.

- Boeckmann & Jungels: I see a pair of psychoanalyst chefs. I don't ... know how that would work, exactly.

- Fegurgur & Stauch: Two private detectives who are also violent warlocks. That's a show I'd watch.

- Wagar & Scaccia: This is the sign that hangs above the office of a very classy-looking firm that deals exclusively in soccer bets revolving around the World Cup.

CROSSMETABLOGPOST

Over on the tumblr, I came up with some titles for extremely underwhelming horror novels that created a minor amusement mystery for me.

I'm pretty sure 1-800-MONSTER-MUNCH is about a hotline that teenagers in a small town call after seeing some marketing posters; everyone who calls gets eaten by a monster.

The Clown Who Punched is pretty self-explanatory.

I have absolutely no idea what Night of the Pumpkin is about. But it made me laugh really hard for at least a minute or two when I came up with it. I don't know why.

I can't say this sort of stuff on the tumblr, but it had to get said somewhere. There you go.

ROLLING THE MICROBE DICE

My housemate came down with something a few days ago that she still has, something that apparently included a horrendous sore throat. I've got something now, too, but I'm waiting to see if it's the same as what she had. My entire body feels like someone dumped out all my bones and organs and replaced them with rusty car parts, and somehow it seems like there's just a little too much blood in my veins (I don't know how to articulate the feeling any better), but I can still swallow without problems. Let's see if I eat those words tomorrow.

On the plus side, everybody who ever told you The Wire is the best cop show ever made, if not the best TV show ever made, period, is speaking correct language.

DOUBLE HELPING OF WEIRDNESS

Friday comes at us again! Somehow I forgot to do an installment of randomly-generated character duos last week, so this one will be double-sized. Never say I don't love you, internet.

- Alhameed & Blitz: Time travelers from an alternate dimension where WWII was fought between the Middle East and Germany. They were fighter ace enemies in the land of their origin, but are now inseparable!

- Keeling & Schoenthal: I see the proprietors of a construction firm, for some reason. They specialize in urban parks and public garden spaces.

- Safi & Tromble: Two of the world's greatest assassins, a married couple who speak with beguiling Hong Kong accents.

- Iberra & Arthun: A girl who never left her small Mediterranean shore town and the alien warrior who crash-landed in the hills behind her house: an ongoing young adult novel series about tolerance, the pain of growing up, and exotic hand-to-hand combat techniques.

- Dostie & Schermann: I just see a yuppie couple who live in a house with a lot of white furniture and primary-colored dishware.

- Danner & Kevan: These are the first names of some dudes who started an eco-tourism firm in Aspen that got too successful for their own good. They're terrible to hang out with.

- Rands & Pinna: There's a Jerkcity joke in here that I'm going to studiously avoid.

- Ortaga & Golida: It's a sitcom about the two unluckiest, bumbling conquistadors the Olde Worlde ever saw! Halfway through the first season, one of them gets transformed by native magic into a talking puma.

- Sandborg & Kelp: Sometimes I wonder if Lore's name generator is developing sentience. These guys are obviously a private investigator duo who live in Aquaman's kingdom. One of them is a rattletrap steam-powered robot for some reason.

IT BEATS THE ALTERNATIVE

As long as we've got idiots like Glenn Beck on TV talking a bunch of shit about things he literally knows nothing about, I propose a new show: WORLD OF FACTS.

WORLD OF FACTS is a 30-minute news-magazine type show featuring highly photogenic or entertaining people delivering informational segments and interviews on subjects that they have never researched or even been introduced to in their lives, interspersed with feats of physical prowess for absolutely no reason whatsoever. It's going to be awesome.

"Tonight on WORLD OF FACTS! Megan Fox presents the history of the Ottoman Empire! Chris Pine stops by to explain the life cycle of the coconut crab! Kermit the Frog debates health care with a drunk, stoned Method Man! Summer Glau and Felicia Day shoot propane tanks with incendiary bullets! Warren Ellis tells you what's in your children's drinking water! And finally, Trent Reznor and Andrew WK have a push-up contest."

Do I know anybody who can make this happen immediately?

A FACTORY FOR IDEAS

That's basically what a brain is, isn't it? On some level? I've got an idea for a party that would either be amazing or horrifying, depending on who's participating, but I'm not ready to commit it to paper yet. In the meantime, be aware that on Saturday the 19th, we're playing Ultimate Team Cardboard Fortress Battle. Let me know if you want the where/when.