NOW YOU ALL KNOW, TOO

And in the knowing, you are cursed.

I swear to you that this is a real premise for a real movie. It has Diane Lane in it. I saw its trailer before The Mist, a surprisingly faithful retelling of the original story.

OK, so there's a psycho who kidnaps people and puts them on a webcam, and hooks up a bunch of killing devices to the internet. Every time people go to this psycho's website, the devices kill the victim just a little bit at a time (injecting tiny amounts of poison or something). There's also some sort of Special FBI Task Force That Does Computer Crime who become saddled with the task of bringing this guy down, and I think at this point my brain shut down as a protective measure against the rank, colossal stupidity of it.

The last Die Hard was sort of like this, but at least that was entertaining. This looks like an affront to human dignity and achievement. I know this movie must've been completed well before the WGA strike, but the entire thing looks like something an underpaid intern would crank out in twenty minutes after being told "We need a movie where the internets kill people."

YOU BEAUTIFUL MANIACS

I know at least one of these people. Though he's not a driver, he's part of LoadingReadyRun.

It doesn't matter; all of these individuals are officially completely insane as well as being stalwart, unvanquished warriors.

I might donate again.

MERRY CUPMAS

Recipe for a cocktail whose invention I was present for follows:

"Christmas in a Cup"

- 1 part cinnamon schnapps
- 1 part pomegranate schnapps
- 2-3 parts cranberry juice
- Splash of 7up (optional)

Serve over ice in a red plastic cup or pint glass; observe as everything around you becomes festive.

If there was a way to do it, I'd include some of that jellied cranberry sauce that comes in a can, but I'm fairly certain such an inclusion would result in riots.

BATHROOM MYSTERY DU JOUR

You know those things people use to secure heavy payloads on trucks that are basically a two-foot strip of rubber with an S-hook in each end? There's one hanging in the downstairs bathroom in my office.

I don't know either.

STICKERQUESTION

I've got this great bumper sticker* that I'm having trouble deciding what to do with. Should I actually put it on my car? Or on my guitar case? Or somewhere else? Help me decide, internet.

* The "If you can read this, you're literate" one.

WHO ENJOYS MUSIC

What you need to do is the following:

1. Download Technology Crisis I and the sequel. These albums are awesome, essentially like the music for 0ld-sk00l videogames that don't exist, but should have.

2. Drop the dude a little cash from his front page (the link's in the lower left). Think about how much you spend on a beer or a coffee, and adjust your enjoyment:payment ratio accordingly.

3. Damn.

JUST NOT UP TO IT

I know there's a joke I could make here,* but there are just too many directions to go in and it's honestly kind of mentally paralyzing. See, that right there could've been a syphilis joke, but it wasn't. You see my problem now.

* In case the headline changes later, right now it reads " U.S. sets record in sexual disease cases."

PRODUCTBLOG ETERNAL

Lest you think otherwise, this blog is not going to become an endless series of open letters to companies that make things. However.

Dear Champion Apparel or whatever you call yourselves -- the guys who make a lot of athletic wear -- I don't mean to jump to rash conclusions or anything, but did a woman design your boxer briefs, or a man without a penis, or simply an individual who somehow devalues convenience? Because there's no slit in the front for when I need to "offload some liquid cargo." I don't know if you've heard, but this is something other underwear has; other manufacturers' boxer briefs, even.

If it turns out you even make boxer briefs that do have the slit in front, maybe put that on your packaging a little more prominently. I am a busy man with not a lot of time to spend scrutinizing every aspect of every item within reach of me.

ATTENTION KETTLE BRAND CHIP MAKERS

What was wrong with opening bags the way we used to, from the top? Don't think I haven't noticed that your bags only open one way: By ripping a strip down the middle, effectively splitting it from top to bottom. That is not a really great way to open a bag, geniuses, unless I lay it flat on the table and pluck chips from its opened guts. Who made this decision, and how much did you pay that person.

NO OTHER OPTION

In the San Francisco election for sheriff, there were only two candidates, but three slots for the ranked-choice voting. What else was I going to do: I wrote in "Optimus Prime" for the third one. I can't have been the only one. If this happens again, I'm putting in "Batman" next time.

ROLL CALL

A list of all the fake MySpace spambots who have tried to befriend me in the last 24 hours:

Morgan
Gladys
Shelley
Martha
Mable
Wendy
Bethany
Edna

Again, I assert to whoever is creating these accounts that some of these names are simply not a good idea. I leave it as an exercise to the reader to identify the most egregious examples.

Edit: But wait, there's more! From:

Laurie
Gracie
Jayne
Rosa
Riley
Wilma
Fannie
Liliana
Doris
Erika

You're kidding, right?