Monday, August 29, 2005


I always thought "Your nails will grow faster if you cut them more" was a bullshit thing that people said, but now I'm not so sure. Either it's being borne out by actual experience, or my memory of my fingernail-cutting schedule is error-prone. And really, why would anyone lie or make shit up when it comes to your rate of fingernail growth? I'm not seeing a possible gain or advantage there.

Either way, I wish the opposite were true. Because having to cut my fingernails is annoying.

Friday, August 26, 2005


I mentioned that I sunburned my scalp on my campig trip ("n" still withheld for maddeningly particular reasons). This is a thing that happened.

What is now happening is that we have advanced into the peeling stage, with which you may be familiar. When it happens on your scalp, though, it manifests itself in a manner pretty much indistinguishable from a serious dandruff problem. I'm sort of tempted to go buy some Head & Shoulders just to see if it'll somehow help. Because right now I'm afraid to touch my head.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


As discovered not by me, but by Alex or her friends.

Simply stated:

Any word that starts with a vowel can be made more hilarious by putting an "m" in front


The same word's hilarity is intrinsically tripled when an "s" is added to the "m"


"Pearson, your job performance this quarter has been pretty smunsatisfactory."

"Captain, we've got a hull breach! We're venting smatmosphere!"

"The quality of your lasagna mostly depends on the smingredients you use."

Try it for yourself sometime! The formula guarantees results, or else your sense of humor is probably broken.

Monday, August 22, 2005


The title of this post contains no typos, but rather is an elaborate in-joke that I can't really explain to you quickly.

THE UNDERLYING TRUTH is that I went camping this weekend for basically the first time ever down in San Simeon with several of my favorite people, and it was a great time. So if you were wondering where I was, the answer is "In front of a fire, like a mile from the Pacific Ocean."


- Spam cooks incredibly quickly on a cast-iron skillet over a fire
- It is possible to sunburn your scalp
- "Cheddarcorn" is a thing you can invent, but whether or not it's better than "wine peanuts" is something for future generations to ponder
- The inexplicable loss of a custom headband should teach you harsh lessons about the care and maintenance of custom headbands
- It is probably impossible to avoid making references to things that will require explanation

Thursday, August 18, 2005


Indulge me for a second; I feel like this is funny, but probably only if you've been subjected to the final track on Kanye West's debut album.

On one of the messageboards I'm on, my friend Rebecca had this to say:


Actually, really cool.

Kanye West Calls For End to Gay Bashing.

I wish more musicians would step up and try to make the world a little bit better. This almost makes me like Kanye West (almost).


My pal Adam chimed in with:


New headline:
ADAM G CALLS FOR AN END TO KANYE WEST BASHING. He's a talented producer (yeah, he puts together stuff for some of the annoying rappers we hear out there, but he does work for the good ones too, making socially conscious hip-hop lyrics easier to listen to) and though he can't rap with the best of 'em and he's a tad full of himself, he can write good lyrics and catchy beats. COLLEGE DROPOUT IS A GOOD ALBUM!!!! Where's my man Steve P when I need him most?


Have you heard the last track on The College Dropout, though? If you have, then my joke will make perfect sense:


New new headline:
KANYE WEST CALLS FOR ADDITIONAL 20 MINUTES TO BE ADDED TO COMPACT DISC FORMAT. "I need more space to put a track on the end of my next album," West explained, "another track that has a pretty good beat, but instead of rapping, it'll just be me talking again, you know what I'm sayin'. I don't feel like I had enough time, you know, to talk about how that album got made, my career and stuff, 'cause I was talkin' with Mos Def the other day, you know Mos, he just be doin' his thing, and I was like 'Mos, you hungry, I think I want a sandwich,' and Mos, he like 'Kanye, that sound like a good idea,' and so we bug on down to the sandwich shop that I like, which they don't put pickles on they meatball sub, and I hate pickles, but Mos he like 'em for some reason, but it's cool, we still cool, and I think that day it was like $6.99 for my sandwich 'cause I wanted to try that new Sprite Remix flavor, which was a'ight, and so we sittin' down with our sandwiches and I was like 'Mos, what you think about maybe gettin' some more time on the end of the CD to talk about shit, you feelin' me?' and Mos, he like 'I think they forgot to give me ketchup with my fries,' that nigga crazy about ketchup on he fries. And so after he gets his ketchup back, I take another sip of my Sprite Remix whatever it was, and I'm like 'I don't know if I like this as good as regular Sprite, but it's OK, it seem to be at least partially fruit-based,' I like things that have some real fruit flavor to them, you know what I'm sayin', none of that artificial shit, like in wack-ass producers' beats and shit, but Mos, he like 'That stuff a'ight, but Dr. Pepper where it's at for me personally,' and that shit don't make no sense to me, Dr. Pepper always taste like cough syrup or some shit as far as I'm concerned, you know, but I let it slide 'cause Mos cool, we cool, and then I start thinking about"

The report cuts off there for some reason.



Wednesday, August 17, 2005


For whatever reason, I am not a fan of taking cellphone calls in my cube. Fortunately, there's an empty office pretty close to me with a door I can close. I like to run in there when my phone rings and sit or lie down on the desk while talking. So if you call me during work hours and I sound eminently relaxed while I'm talking to you, there's probably a reason!

Oh, also, Dogblog updated last night. I don't know if I need to tell people when that happens.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


I realize that it could be construed as kind of sad to be so overjoyed with something as relatively mundane as a new car stereo, but holy fuck and hell it's like the world is suddenly sixty times nicer. That's a lot of multiplication.

I can't even remember if I had anything else to tell you about. Probably not, then.


Thursday, August 11, 2005


So one of our housemates is moving out at the end of the month, and we put up an ad on craigslist for a new one, and we got one pretty quickly. That's nice. Obviously, since we found someone to fill the room, we got a lot of replies we couldn't really respond to, and this is sort of a bummer because a lot of them seem like cool people, and/or cool people with rad dogs. Is it stupid to want to email them and be like, "We can't rent you the room anymore, but can we hang out with you and your rad dog anyway?" It seems weird and dumb to me, and I'm not going to do it, but I kind of want to. I admit this right here and now.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


You know that smell that hot tar makes? You know how it's completely awful? Why is it that this smell has the capability to hang in the air over great distances and linger for so damn long, while just about any other, nicer smell can't? A partial list of things I think I would rather be smelling than the hot tar odor billowing from the construction site next to my office follows:

- Baking bread
- My toothpaste
- Strawberry esters
- Roasting chestnuts
- A giant psychedelic candy factory

Friday, August 05, 2005


My work just decided to go with a new food-service provider for the cafeteria and such, and I guess those guys also took over the bagels on Fridays. I think they're still working out the kinks in the system: Unlike the previous bagel dudes, these people actually leave behind the leftover bagels all day (which is nice), except that's all they leave. They took away all the butter/jelly in single-serving packets, and the tubs of cream cheese. They didn't even leave, like, half of 'em in the fridge or whatever. I think doing this bagel-leaving thing halfway is kind of worse than not doing it at all, just in that the thought of chewing on a toasted but completely unadorned bagel is kind of depressing to me.

Unrelatedly, a Dogblog update went up a few days ago, but chances are good you probably already knew that.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


Basically what's going on is that I have a sore throat and nothing else. I don't have

- a fever
- general run-down feeling
- soreness
- headache
- swollen lymph nodes
- anything else even remotely resembling symptoms of actual illness

My nose was running a little this morning, but it always does that. Always.

What the hell is going on this time.