Sunday, November 26, 2006

Dogs 287-294

Note to videogame designers: Take this dude right here and slap him into your next military game, except about a hundred times bigger and with a turret on top. Call that a tank. I'm not going to say why, I just know it'll be a hit. You can trust me on this one.

Lie bot, what is the saddest thing?

The saddest thing is a dog contemplating whether or not Mos Def and Talib Kweli are going to appear onstage together and do any Black Star numbers, while failing entirely to realize that since he's a dog, ain't no one going to sell him a ticket.

It is not possible in nature to achieve the kind of poise you're witnessing here in a dog of this size. I think I stumbled onto a new product being tested by the Fancy Accessories Department of Bloomingdales: Collar by Fendi, dog by Monsanto.

I wonder if they knew what they were getting into when they named the breed the chocolate Labrador. I'm not saying this is a thought that lasts for more than .3 seconds, but during those initial .3 seconds after I first encounter one, I'm keenly interested in snapping their heads off to see if they're hollow or creme-filled.

Of course, we know what this chief is filled with, don't we. If "delight" were a thing that was distilled and sold in bottles at exorbitant prices, this guy would be saving all the money.

Did you used to watch those nature programs where they explained how some animals will puff themselves up in order to appear larger, to scare away predators? Did you know dogs could do that too? Did you also know that it made them exponentially less scary? I bet that last fact isn't something they'd want to get out in the open.

"We now return you to our ongoing presentation of Honcho and Blazynski, the story of a lovable dock-worker-turned-homicide-detective and his risk-taking partner from the wrong side of the tracks with a heart of gold and nothing to prove. Or was it 'something to prove.' Crap. You know what, at this point who cares. Please note that Blazynski isn't actually tied to anything, though. He keeps it street."

The sign says "NO TRESPASSING." What are you gonna do. Some folks just weren't meant to obey the law.