Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Dogs 331-345

One, it's bad to get caught on film talking to a fairy godmother that only you can see, but two, it's nine hundred times worse when your invisible friend starts talking some shit that makes even you look at her sideways.

It always seemed like a losing proposition to me to camouflage yourself in the colors of your surroundings and just wait for prey to stumble into your reach, but are you going to argue with that belly. I guess nature has things to teach us all.

What, is 40% off all children's fall clothing not good enough for you? Where else are you going to find savings like that, asstard? This is San Francisco.

I suppose every show needs to have a captive alien sage in it. You know what I mean? The being from another galaxy with the weird face that they keep chained up and periodically prod and poke for answers to whatever problem they're facing from episode to episode? Did you not watch the same version of Everybody Loves Raymond that I did?

I think I speak for all of us when I say that fashion consulting is best left to the experts, but I feel like I should have an opinion of some sort on such heavy eyeshadow next to so furious a pink. I ... I don't, though.

You can't break old habits. Even years after you retire as Brigadier General of the 342nd Snuggle Brigade of the Fluffywuffy Cuddlehugs Army, you still have to poke your head out into the air every morning and see what's what. It's what you're used to.

Something about this entire situation just screams "Do not feed after midnight" and I'm not entirely sure why.

What does it say about you if you're the kind of person who brings your own drinking vessel with you wherever you go? I haven't figured it out either.

Talk about a head that was specifically constructed for patting as you walk by. Dude's even in the exact right pose for it. I don't blame you if you just reached out at your monitor on sheer instinct.

We're lucky that as a whole, dogs just aren't a very ambitious species. If more of them were to learn hypnotism, for instance, we might find ourselves uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh wuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh

I know there's a wiki version of the dictionary out there. How long would it last if I were to erase whatever definition it has for "poise" and just put this prime minister in there?

I guess one of the great things about being a dog, or just an animal in general, is being able to not give even half a shit what a wet sidewalk is going to do to your outfit.

Oh jeez. Let's back up to that wiki dictionary and see what's in there under "woe." Oh man.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN! There, I said it, fucker! I ... what are you still doing there.

Upon delivery, your ReadyPuppy™ Kit should contain one (1) puppy and one (1) charmingly worn-out tennis ball. Your ReadyPuppy™ Kit does not include the motivation to actually play "fetch," "go-get-it," or any other fetch-like game or game mechanic. Be advised that ReadyPuppy™ Industries takes no responsibility should failure to engage in fetch-like activities result from purchase of the ReadyPuppy™ Kit.

This month's update is double-sized because I forgot about September. Sorry about that, folks.