Thursday, July 19, 2007

Dogs 321-325

Fuck the Voight-Kampf test. If you're trying to find out whether someone's human or a soulless mandroid, you don't need to ask him some loopy-ass questions about a turtle meeting his mother or whatever. Just park him in front of this dude, and if he doesn't reach down and pat that fuzzy little head within three seconds, you can take out your gun and shoot it right through his metal head and just walk away.

Attention Science: Did dogs learn patience from us, or did we just kind of pick it up from them? Is there a way you can use your powers to learn this information? I ask for no particular reason.

"Criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot. I must become a terror. I must be black. Terrible. I must cloak myself in darkness and strike from the shadows. I am the night. I am -- has the sun been up all this time. Motherfucker."

You can keep barking all you want, pal, but nobody's going to listen to somebody who's got the Crazy Eyes. I'm willing to hear you out, don't get me wrong, but I sense I may be in the extreme minority here.

I don't care who you think you are or where you think you came from, everybody at some point in their life has wanted a dog. And I'm pretty sure I know the real reason. The real reason is: Everybody at some point in their life has wanted to have a stuffed animal come to life and be their pal. Tell me I'm wrong and I will laugh and laugh and laugh.